Monthly Archives: May 2012

28. James Preaches Optimism


Let me preface this blog with this: I will use the “C word” comically. I won’t be talking about a woman or a gay. And you will most likely be able to laugh about it. If you can’t, I will give you a scrimjob. (See end of blog for definition of “scrimjob”.)

Ok, y’all. Let’s be honest: there has been a mysterious dark cloud hanging around everyone lately. Everywhere. It was settling in New York before I left, but it’s also expanded it’s reach all the way to Virginia. Maybe negativity is due to the weather. Or maybe it’s “in” like “being skinny”. Or maybe it’s just an age thing. Like when you turn 50, you go through menopause. Unless you’re a dude. In which case, you turn 50, grow a vagina and then go through menopause. Maybe that’s what your 20-somethings are like. But it’s not just limited to my age range. So. Here’s what I have to say.

It’s time to make our own happy. And if you rely on someone else to make your own happy, then you is fucked, my friend. UNLESS you are relying on me for your happy. In which case, you should feel well at ease. If reading this doesn’t automatically set you at ease, here are a list of things to make yourself feel the “ease” which I am talking about:

1) Take a dump.
2) Imagine yourself taking a dump.
3) Drink peppermint tea.
4) Call your friend and talk about names that are unsuitable for children. (e.g. Beatrice. You never meet a baby named Beatrice. You only meet fully-grown people named Beatrice. Which leads me to wonder… “What was your name BEFORE you turned 40? [If your name is Beatrice: I’m sorry. And also, really, what was your name??])

Ok. Now after following those instructions, you should feel the ease I am talking about. Do you feel it? It’s the opposite of the feeling you get after you eat too much ice cream just because you don’t want to put half a cup of ice cream back in the freezer. Cuz that would be WAY too depressing to eat later. Cuz CLEARLY it won’t be enough.

Alright great. So now that we’re all feeling great. Let’s get to the point. Because surely, there must be a point.  And it is this:

BE OPTIMISTIC. If you are a Negative Nerdlet, then people won’t want to be around you. I’m sorry if you are determined to spread your negativity across the land, but it’s true; people will not want to be around you. Are you one of those people that tends to suck ALL the happy from a room? When people try to cheer you up, do you reject all their suggestions (even though some of them sound perfectly valid and actually SUPER plausible)? Do you always see a half-empty glass as a completely full glass of vomit? (That’s a saying, I swear. Let’s make it happen you guys. THE POWER OF MOB PSYCHOLOGY.) If you are one of these people: STOP. Oh ok, maybe telling you what NOT to do is not helpful. It’s like when I’m on stage and someone says, “Don’t do what you’re doing.” Or when someone says, “Don’t roll your eyes back in your head as you finish that gallon of ice cream!” Fine! Tell me what I SHOULD do. Is this how you feel?? Ok. Let me tell you what to do. And you should listen to me. Because I am always right. Things I am right about include: ice cream has 0 calories, the sky is blue because pink is too gay and “qi” is a word (I don’t know what it means but I always use it when I play Words With Friends).

Ok. Here’s what you should do:

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. There is ALWAYS a bright side. Always. There are so many things to be happy and optimistic about. Oh also, when you run out of things to talk about, you don’t need to hate on other people just to fill the silence. You could… not say anything. Or you could ask the people around you about themselves so you could get to know them better. Or you could tell funny stories from your past. But more than anything, stay positive. Cuz Life will kick your ass whether you like it or not. So when Life slaps you in the face with its pimp hand, you better smile back at Life and say, “BRING IT, MOTHAFUCKA!” Well, that is more of a scream. An exclamation. EXCLAIM IT, MY FRIENDS.

Here are a list of things I had to be optimistic about recently:

1) The other day, David pulled my shorts down and for once, I was ACTUALLY wearing underwear. So I was SUPER grateful that my jiblets weren’t exposed. HALLELU!
2) The other day I ate too much before a show of Oklahoma! During the run, I only puked in my mouth once! And there’s a lot of dancing so that was miraculous!
3) I’m grateful for every time I pee standing up and I DON’T miss the toilet.
4) Sometimes I don’t bleed when I floss!
5) Some days I have 0 whiteheads on my face!
6) I have two beautiful nieces. And my sisters are… somewhere between Butterfaces and Drag Queens. 😉
7) I have a bed to sleep in at night.
8) I have my good health.
9) I can taste food.
10) I laugh at least once every day. Like the other day, I was talking to Stacy on the phone and she said, “I wonder if they have dinosaur porn. *sounds of clicking* Oh my god! They do have dinosaur porn!” And I said, “Oh my god, like, are they cartoons??” And she said, “No, James, there are actual pictures of dinosaurs having sex.”
11) I can make my mom laugh. And my dad. And Leah. Not Emma, but it’s because she’s homophobic.
12) Babies laugh. That’s a super awesome thing.
13) The sun comes up. That’s a WAY super awesome thing.
14) I’m getting paid to do what I love.
15) I almost rolled out of my bed the other night but as I almost fell, the prostitute I was sleeping next to grabbed my arm and pulled me back into bed. (This story is more than half true.)
16) The other night I punched this glass of water on my dresser but it DIDN’T fall on my face. SO GRATEFUL.
17) I do this backflip thing in Oklahoma! and the other night I was so tired that I ALMOST fell on my face. But I didn’t!!
18) I haven’t ruined a shirt with my abhorrent sweat stains in a really long time!
19) I haven’t wet the bed in at least 2 years!
20) I haven’t pooped the bed in at least 5!!
21) Oh this is a good one! So the other day I was at the Community Center here and I was talking to the girl at the front desk. She asked, “How are you?” I said, “Good, I just wish the weather wasn’t so shitty!” And she said, “Watch your language!!” I was shocked. I told David this story and he reenacted, “Oh, excuse me, I wish the weather wasn’t so cunty!”

There you go. No go make a list of 20 things you have to be optimistic about.

Or listen to a precious baby. Like my niece. Here’s a video of Ava leaving me a voicemail:

Ok. If you didn’t smile at least once during this, then I owe you a rimjob. Or a scrimjob. Yeah, I’ll do a scrimjob. That’s when you own a theatre and you show me your scrim and I tell you 3 nice things about it.

Ok now I will put up cute pictures of my nieces and you will smile or you will pretend to smile which sort of looks like this:

Yes, that is me. And yes, I have always been this sexy.

Now for the aforementioned baby pictures:

 This is the moment Sofia found Jesus.

This is when Ava decided to use Sofia as a coloring book.

This is Ava posing for a picture after eating the ink for stamps.

This is Ava helping my daddy fix a chair.

This is my favorite picture of Sofia.

And this is what it looks like when someone loves you back.

Tell me you didn’t smile once.

Now, do you feel a happy feeling somewhere inside you? It should feel like that feeling you get when someone says, “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful”. Or that feeling you get after you make it to the bathroom before you crap your pants. Ok, you feel that?? Now go spread that around to someone. Go make someone happy. And when you have something hateful to say, say something kind instead. Like instead of being like, “Ew, that girl, oh my god, that girl’s hair looks like macaroni boogers, in the bad way.” You should say instead: “Oh my God, see that girl’s hair?? I love how curly it is! Makes me want a perm REAL bad!!!” Try that!

Ok. Now go forth. And smile, bitch.



27. James Goes to New York to Do Oklahoma in Virginia


I know that a lot of people will think this title is sassy but those people can go shove it up their sass-holes.

I am currently in the doing Oklahoma! I am in the ensemble/Will Parker’s understudy. But I already made him promise he wouldn’t get sick. He promised, but he said he’s gonna go take a vacation. He tells jokes sometimes. He thinks they’re funny. He’s wrong.

So I went to more than 60 auditions in New York before I got cast in my first paid theatre job. And I didn’t even go to an audition for it. This is how I got this job:

So after you go to far too many auditions, you start to see the same people. I see the same non-equity guys over and over again. So finally I start to talk to them (that is, on the days when I’m not being anti-social by blasting Eminem on my iPod). I started talking to this one guy, and he told me he already had summer work. He told me that he was doing Oklahoma! And he also told me they needed more guy dancers. So we added each other on Facebook, and he gave me the email address for the theater. I emailed the theater with my headshot, resume and a little note about how I heard about them. They asked for a video of me singing and a video of me dancing. So I sent them some videos, and they called me later that day offering me a job. YAHTZEE!

Then I had to figure out how to get to Virginia. Can’t afford to fly. Don’t really want to rent a car cuz then I would have to pay attention for FAR too many hours. And that’s a LOTTTTTTTT of responsibility. So I decided to take a greyhound (or three). I LOVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I’m obsessed. I love riding the bus. Subways are ok… except for that one time I accidentally punched the lady in the face. Errps McDerpsies.

It took me 3 Greyhound buses to get here. I think it was like 14 hours. I stopped in DC. I had this conversation with my mother at the Greyhound bus stop in DC:

She loves me. I later had this conversation with Stacy:

I finally made it to Virginia.

I live in a 9-bedroom house with 14 other people. There are 4 bathrooms. 2 kitchens. It’s magical. My best friend’s name is Nyra. She’s 73. She lives in the house with us. 🙂 She told me this joke:

“There are two old ladies in a car together. The one driving keeps blowing through red lights. The lady in the passenger seat tries to be patient, but the one driving continues to run red lights. Finally, the old lady in the passenger seat says, ‘Do you see all those red lights that you’re blowing?’ And the other one says, ‘Oh, am I driving??'”

We rehearsed for two weeks and then we opened the show. We do about 6 shows a week until July 1. Let me tell you what I’ve learned so far:

1) Have a good attitude. And if you can’t do that, excuse yourself to the bathroom until you can pull your shit together. You can only be a for-reals bitch in the privacy of the bathroom. But bitchiness is not welcome in the rehearsal space.
2) Don’t crawl under the curtain…. That was one of the rules they told us when we first moved here. We all laughed but they said that it’s happened in the past…. why?!?!
3) Don’t flush things down the toilet that don’t belong there… like tampons and condoms. I’m sorry, but why would anyone do these things??
4) Most importantly: IT’S ALL ABOUT WHO YOU KNOW. I got this job because of talking to people. And I might do another show with this company now. Someone once told me, “Work begets work.” And they’re right.

Ok I think I wrapped up all the serious talk. Let’s see if I have any sexy pictures from this adventure thus far:

 My friend Kiarri posing with a beautiful red hat. Please take note of the horrified onlookers in the background. We call him Kiki. Well. I started calling him Kiki. He never OK’d it, but he has yet to backhand me.

 First date dinner. I ate all that and was still hungry. Who’s shocked? You are??? SLAP YOURSELF. You should know better. OH. Here’s an anecdote: When I first got here, me and two other guys decided to go in on a gallon of ice cream together. I ATE THE WHOLE THING BY MYSELF IN 5 DAYS. I told my mother this story. Her response: “That’s my boy.” #youshouldknowbetter

Will Parker aka D and I getting photobombed. That’s chapstick in my pocket, so please, for the love of God, don’t make big-foot jokes. And yes, those are my Bieber shoes.

A funny convo I had with Caity. We were talking about the existence of a higher being until I used the word “taint”. Damnit.

Kelley asked for a picture of my profile. I sent her this. Yes, I take to take my pants off and THEN put my cowboy boots back on. I was thinking of this for my costume. The costume designer and I had many a heated argument about it.

Getting photobombed again by two losers that I have had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing. 😉

Me posing with a monumental loser. He begged for my autograph. I said, “Give me a blowie.” He said, “How high?!” And I said, “How many drinks have you had!?” And then we rode a merry-go-round together while all our loved ones watched whilst eating hot dog-flavored cotton candy… and I think we ALL know what I mean by that. #euphemism #loveme

Me and Ado Annie.

Stacy flattering me. This is what best friends are made of.

We went hiking today.

Cookout today! I’m totally being Vanna White with the food. I was eating directly out of a huge bowl of watermelon earlier. There is photographic evidence. To be continuted…

This is what Heaven looks like to me.

Anyway, sexy hookers. It’s time to eat too much.

“Just say goodbye. Look in my eyes so I always will remember. Frozen in time. Always be mine. Baby boy, you’ll be young forever.”
~”Young Forever” by Nicki Minaj

I love you all.