Let me preface this blog with this: I will use the “C word” comically. I won’t be talking about a woman or a gay. And you will most likely be able to laugh about it. If you can’t, I will give you a scrimjob. (See end of blog for definition of “scrimjob”.)
Ok, y’all. Let’s be honest: there has been a mysterious dark cloud hanging around everyone lately. Everywhere. It was settling in New York before I left, but it’s also expanded it’s reach all the way to Virginia. Maybe negativity is due to the weather. Or maybe it’s “in” like “being skinny”. Or maybe it’s just an age thing. Like when you turn 50, you go through menopause. Unless you’re a dude. In which case, you turn 50, grow a vagina and then go through menopause. Maybe that’s what your 20-somethings are like. But it’s not just limited to my age range. So. Here’s what I have to say.
It’s time to make our own happy. And if you rely on someone else to make your own happy, then you is fucked, my friend. UNLESS you are relying on me for your happy. In which case, you should feel well at ease. If reading this doesn’t automatically set you at ease, here are a list of things to make yourself feel the “ease” which I am talking about:
1) Take a dump.
2) Imagine yourself taking a dump.
3) Drink peppermint tea.
4) Call your friend and talk about names that are unsuitable for children. (e.g. Beatrice. You never meet a baby named Beatrice. You only meet fully-grown people named Beatrice. Which leads me to wonder… “What was your name BEFORE you turned 40? [If your name is Beatrice: I’m sorry. And also, really, what was your name??])
Ok. Now after following those instructions, you should feel the ease I am talking about. Do you feel it? It’s the opposite of the feeling you get after you eat too much ice cream just because you don’t want to put half a cup of ice cream back in the freezer. Cuz that would be WAY too depressing to eat later. Cuz CLEARLY it won’t be enough.
Alright great. So now that we’re all feeling great. Let’s get to the point. Because surely, there must be a point. And it is this:
BE OPTIMISTIC. If you are a Negative Nerdlet, then people won’t want to be around you. I’m sorry if you are determined to spread your negativity across the land, but it’s true; people will not want to be around you. Are you one of those people that tends to suck ALL the happy from a room? When people try to cheer you up, do you reject all their suggestions (even though some of them sound perfectly valid and actually SUPER plausible)? Do you always see a half-empty glass as a completely full glass of vomit? (That’s a saying, I swear. Let’s make it happen you guys. THE POWER OF MOB PSYCHOLOGY.) If you are one of these people: STOP. Oh ok, maybe telling you what NOT to do is not helpful. It’s like when I’m on stage and someone says, “Don’t do what you’re doing.” Or when someone says, “Don’t roll your eyes back in your head as you finish that gallon of ice cream!” Fine! Tell me what I SHOULD do. Is this how you feel?? Ok. Let me tell you what to do. And you should listen to me. Because I am always right. Things I am right about include: ice cream has 0 calories, the sky is blue because pink is too gay and “qi” is a word (I don’t know what it means but I always use it when I play Words With Friends).
Ok. Here’s what you should do:
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. There is ALWAYS a bright side. Always. There are so many things to be happy and optimistic about. Oh also, when you run out of things to talk about, you don’t need to hate on other people just to fill the silence. You could… not say anything. Or you could ask the people around you about themselves so you could get to know them better. Or you could tell funny stories from your past. But more than anything, stay positive. Cuz Life will kick your ass whether you like it or not. So when Life slaps you in the face with its pimp hand, you better smile back at Life and say, “BRING IT, MOTHAFUCKA!” Well, that is more of a scream. An exclamation. EXCLAIM IT, MY FRIENDS.
Here are a list of things I had to be optimistic about recently:
1) The other day, David pulled my shorts down and for once, I was ACTUALLY wearing underwear. So I was SUPER grateful that my jiblets weren’t exposed. HALLELU!
2) The other day I ate too much before a show of Oklahoma! During the run, I only puked in my mouth once! And there’s a lot of dancing so that was miraculous!
3) I’m grateful for every time I pee standing up and I DON’T miss the toilet.
4) Sometimes I don’t bleed when I floss!
5) Some days I have 0 whiteheads on my face!
6) I have two beautiful nieces. And my sisters are… somewhere between Butterfaces and Drag Queens. 😉
7) I have a bed to sleep in at night.
8) I have my good health.
9) I can taste food.
10) I laugh at least once every day. Like the other day, I was talking to Stacy on the phone and she said, “I wonder if they have dinosaur porn. *sounds of clicking* Oh my god! They do have dinosaur porn!” And I said, “Oh my god, like, are they cartoons??” And she said, “No, James, there are actual pictures of dinosaurs having sex.”
11) I can make my mom laugh. And my dad. And Leah. Not Emma, but it’s because she’s homophobic.
12) Babies laugh. That’s a super awesome thing.
13) The sun comes up. That’s a WAY super awesome thing.
14) I’m getting paid to do what I love.
15) I almost rolled out of my bed the other night but as I almost fell, the prostitute I was sleeping next to grabbed my arm and pulled me back into bed. (This story is more than half true.)
16) The other night I punched this glass of water on my dresser but it DIDN’T fall on my face. SO GRATEFUL.
17) I do this backflip thing in Oklahoma! and the other night I was so tired that I ALMOST fell on my face. But I didn’t!!
18) I haven’t ruined a shirt with my abhorrent sweat stains in a really long time!
19) I haven’t wet the bed in at least 2 years!
20) I haven’t pooped the bed in at least 5!!
21) Oh this is a good one! So the other day I was at the Community Center here and I was talking to the girl at the front desk. She asked, “How are you?” I said, “Good, I just wish the weather wasn’t so shitty!” And she said, “Watch your language!!” I was shocked. I told David this story and he reenacted, “Oh, excuse me, I wish the weather wasn’t so cunty!”
There you go. No go make a list of 20 things you have to be optimistic about.
Or listen to a precious baby. Like my niece. Here’s a video of Ava leaving me a voicemail:
Ok. If you didn’t smile at least once during this, then I owe you a rimjob. Or a scrimjob. Yeah, I’ll do a scrimjob. That’s when you own a theatre and you show me your scrim and I tell you 3 nice things about it.
Ok now I will put up cute pictures of my nieces and you will smile or you will pretend to smile which sort of looks like this:
Yes, that is me. And yes, I have always been this sexy.
Now for the aforementioned baby pictures:
This is the moment Sofia found Jesus.
This is when Ava decided to use Sofia as a coloring book.
This is Ava posing for a picture after eating the ink for stamps.
This is Ava helping my daddy fix a chair.
This is my favorite picture of Sofia.
And this is what it looks like when someone loves you back.
Tell me you didn’t smile once.
Now, do you feel a happy feeling somewhere inside you? It should feel like that feeling you get when someone says, “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful”. Or that feeling you get after you make it to the bathroom before you crap your pants. Ok, you feel that?? Now go spread that around to someone. Go make someone happy. And when you have something hateful to say, say something kind instead. Like instead of being like, “Ew, that girl, oh my god, that girl’s hair looks like macaroni boogers, in the bad way.” You should say instead: “Oh my God, see that girl’s hair?? I love how curly it is! Makes me want a perm REAL bad!!!” Try that!
Ok. Now go forth. And smile, bitch.