27. James Goes to New York to Do Oklahoma in Virginia

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I know that a lot of people will think this title is sassy but those people can go shove it up their sass-holes.

I am currently in the doing Oklahoma! I am in the ensemble/Will Parker’s understudy. But I already made him promise he wouldn’t get sick. He promised, but he said he’s gonna go take a vacation. He tells jokes sometimes. He thinks they’re funny. He’s wrong.

So I went to more than 60 auditions in New York before I got cast in my first paid theatre job. And I didn’t even go to an audition for it. This is how I got this job:

So after you go to far too many auditions, you start to see the same people. I see the same non-equity guys over and over again. So finally I start to talk to them (that is, on the days when I’m not being anti-social by blasting Eminem on my iPod). I started talking to this one guy, and he told me he already had summer work. He told me that he was doing Oklahoma! And he also told me they needed more guy dancers. So we added each other on Facebook, and he gave me the email address for the theater. I emailed the theater with my headshot, resume and a little note about how I heard about them. They asked for a video of me singing and a video of me dancing. So I sent them some videos, and they called me later that day offering me a job. YAHTZEE!

Then I had to figure out how to get to Virginia. Can’t afford to fly. Don’t really want to rent a car cuz then I would have to pay attention for FAR too many hours. And that’s a LOTTTTTTTT of responsibility. So I decided to take a greyhound (or three). I LOVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I’m obsessed. I love riding the bus. Subways are ok… except for that one time I accidentally punched the lady in the face. Errps McDerpsies.

It took me 3 Greyhound buses to get here. I think it was like 14 hours. I stopped in DC. I had this conversation with my mother at the Greyhound bus stop in DC:

She loves me. I later had this conversation with Stacy:

I finally made it to Virginia.

I live in a 9-bedroom house with 14 other people. There are 4 bathrooms. 2 kitchens. It’s magical. My best friend’s name is Nyra. She’s 73. She lives in the house with us. 🙂 She told me this joke:

“There are two old ladies in a car together. The one driving keeps blowing through red lights. The lady in the passenger seat tries to be patient, but the one driving continues to run red lights. Finally, the old lady in the passenger seat says, ‘Do you see all those red lights that you’re blowing?’ And the other one says, ‘Oh, am I driving??'”

We rehearsed for two weeks and then we opened the show. We do about 6 shows a week until July 1. Let me tell you what I’ve learned so far:

1) Have a good attitude. And if you can’t do that, excuse yourself to the bathroom until you can pull your shit together. You can only be a for-reals bitch in the privacy of the bathroom. But bitchiness is not welcome in the rehearsal space.
2) Don’t crawl under the curtain…. That was one of the rules they told us when we first moved here. We all laughed but they said that it’s happened in the past…. why?!?!
3) Don’t flush things down the toilet that don’t belong there… like tampons and condoms. I’m sorry, but why would anyone do these things??
4) Most importantly: IT’S ALL ABOUT WHO YOU KNOW. I got this job because of talking to people. And I might do another show with this company now. Someone once told me, “Work begets work.” And they’re right.

Ok I think I wrapped up all the serious talk. Let’s see if I have any sexy pictures from this adventure thus far:

 My friend Kiarri posing with a beautiful red hat. Please take note of the horrified onlookers in the background. We call him Kiki. Well. I started calling him Kiki. He never OK’d it, but he has yet to backhand me.

 First date dinner. I ate all that and was still hungry. Who’s shocked? You are??? SLAP YOURSELF. You should know better. OH. Here’s an anecdote: When I first got here, me and two other guys decided to go in on a gallon of ice cream together. I ATE THE WHOLE THING BY MYSELF IN 5 DAYS. I told my mother this story. Her response: “That’s my boy.” #youshouldknowbetter

Will Parker aka D and I getting photobombed. That’s chapstick in my pocket, so please, for the love of God, don’t make big-foot jokes. And yes, those are my Bieber shoes.

A funny convo I had with Caity. We were talking about the existence of a higher being until I used the word “taint”. Damnit.

Kelley asked for a picture of my profile. I sent her this. Yes, I take to take my pants off and THEN put my cowboy boots back on. I was thinking of this for my costume. The costume designer and I had many a heated argument about it.

Getting photobombed again by two losers that I have had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing. 😉

Me posing with a monumental loser. He begged for my autograph. I said, “Give me a blowie.” He said, “How high?!” And I said, “How many drinks have you had!?” And then we rode a merry-go-round together while all our loved ones watched whilst eating hot dog-flavored cotton candy… and I think we ALL know what I mean by that. #euphemism #loveme

Me and Ado Annie.

Stacy flattering me. This is what best friends are made of.

We went hiking today.

Cookout today! I’m totally being Vanna White with the food. I was eating directly out of a huge bowl of watermelon earlier. There is photographic evidence. To be continuted…

This is what Heaven looks like to me.

Anyway, sexy hookers. It’s time to eat too much.

“Just say goodbye. Look in my eyes so I always will remember. Frozen in time. Always be mine. Baby boy, you’ll be young forever.”
~”Young Forever” by Nicki Minaj

I love you all.

JAMES.

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