I don’t necessarily want to even write this right now, because right now I wish I didn’t have this to write about.
I was watching the most recent episode of Girls today (Season 3, Episode 11 “I Saw You”), and by the end of the episode I was extremely frustrated. Caity was sitting on the other couch, and she paused her TV show to ask me, “Are you okay?” And I responded with, “WHY CAN’T ANYTHING GO RIGHT FOR ANYONE?! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GET WHAT THEY WANT?!” I shrieked and ranted for a while longer until I reached a crescendo, and then I laid my head down on the couch. And I cried.
You have probably deduced by now that I was not just upset about Girls.
Alright, hoes, buckle up for story time.
I went on a spontaneous date. This person invited me out to get a milkshake at 1:30 AM. Um, anyone who knows me knows that I am ALWAYS down for disrespecting my body with artificial sugars, but anytime past midnight is BEDTIME. He asked me twice; the first time I said no, and the second time I said yes. We had milkshakes, and then we went and sang karaoke for each other until four in the morning. I DON’T DO KARAOKE. I hate karaoke. I think I’m a great singer, but I don’t think karaoke meshes well with me; I sound awful. But I sang “The Nearness of You” (the Norah Jones version), and he watched me the whole time. When I finished, he stood up, walked over to me, kissed me and said, “I could listen to you sing all day.” Well, then I died. After I died, we walked the streets of Manhattan until 5 AM. I got home at 6 AM, and I went to bed all aglow. Absolutely one of the most magical dates of my entire life.
This is the conversation we had while we waited for my subway to arrive:
Him: You should sleep over.
Me: No way.
Me: Because then we’ll have sex.
Him: No, we won’t.
Me: Yes, we absolutely will.
Him: No, I don’t want to have sex with you.
Me: Well, that’s rude and you should never say that to anybody.
Him: No, I mean, I do but not tonight.
Me: Well. I’m still not spending the night.
Him: Are you always this much of a gentleman?
Me: No. Depends on the person.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Well, if I don’t really care about seeing them again then I’ll probably mess around with them. But, if I want it to go somewhere, I don’t want to mess it up by having sex right away.
Him: I get that.
AWESOME; I told him this disgusting truth about myself and he understood. Just. Awesome..
We hung out the next night, but it was significantly less magical. He said he wasn’t feeling well, so I forgave him for being weird.
The next day he didn’t respond to my texts. A couple days later, I texted him again; no response.
And I was cool about it for a while; I decided to be cool: ‘Oh, he’s totally busy!’ ‘Oh, I totally don’t care about it, either way. Whatever is fine with me!’ ‘Oh, I totally just want to be friends so, like, when a friend gets busy, I totally don’t mind.’
That plan was going really well until today I realized that it was NEVER GOING WELL.
And that’s when I cried on my couch.
This is what frustrates me:
I DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON!! Why do they make me cry?? Why does this stranger make me question all these things about myself that I once believed whole-heartedly: ‘Wait….am I attractive?? Am I awesome?? Would I do me?? Am I fun to be around??’ I don’t like feeling like there are certain parts of myself that I should have edited for our first date. And why the fuck do I care so much?? I mean, this person clearly doesn’t care about me so why do I care about him?? Oh, because I’m sensitive. I know being sensitive is a beautiful thing, but it feels like such a burden; I have a very hard time loving this part of myself; I struggle with loving the part of me that is so easily wounded by a stranger; I struggle with loving the part of me that hopelessly hopes that this is still going to go somewhere, the hopelessly hopeful part of me that deletes his number from my contacts but then SAVES IT in a note on my iPhone. WHY, JAMES?! WHY?! You should just let dead things die, ok? Kapeesh?
Love makes me unstable. I go gaga for the Love. But right now, I’m at the end of a NOTHING, and I’m experiencing symptoms of heartbreak. I can’t sleep. I’m kept awake with thoughts like: ‘What did I do wrong? What did I say?’
Caity says I shouldn’t be self-blamey. She’s probably right, but I can’t ignore that part of me that keeps saying, “James, you should know better. This is your fault. You pick the messy ones, and you dive in head-first. You run full-speed towards a dirty bomb with your arms wide open and you expect to walk away not only unscathed but happy? In the words of Yara Sofia: “Pull jourself together, darlin’.” And it’s not like I’m a blameless victim; I’ve done shitty things to people who were into me in the past. I can’t help feeling like this is my comeuppance.
More than anything, I wish this whole thing didn’t happen. I opened myself up to someone who deceived me into thinking they were someone that they’re not. I know there’s something beautiful about being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, but there’s something awful about feeling the egg on your forehead drip down into your eyes.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like the cute football jock played a prank on me by pretending that he liked me. I don’t want people to feel bad for me. I don’t want to remember any of it. I delete this motherfucker’s number every other day. Every time I see our text thread, I delete it because I can’t help but see myself as an over-eager loser.
I really want this to all go away. I would love to be able to just pluck this whole memory out my head and light it on fire. I wish that someone would just conk me on the head and I would forget everything that’s happened in the past week.
Usually at 11:11 I make a wish for people in my life in need, but lately I just keep wishing to be better equipped to deal with this. Because I have no idea how to deal with this, which is extremely unusual for me. I have rules and plans and guidebooks for every situation. Break-ups? A CINCH. I know how those go; I could do it blindfolded. The timeline of how a relationship should go in my mind? After 3-6 months: I love you. After 2 years: move in. After 3-5 years: get married. BAM. But HOW do I deal with someone convincing me that they’re SO into me and then not speaking to me? Oh, and for the record, this human is still living and breathing cuz I just saw/spoke to him. So, he’s not dead which is quite possibly the ONLY allowable excuse.
I just wanted something to go my way. I know that makes me sound like a spoiled brat, but in these past few months I’ve really been struggling. Last year was the first year in my entire 24 years of existence that I not only missed Thanksgiving but also Christmas. I’ve been with my family for both of those holidays for my entire life. But last year I had work conflicts so I couldn’t go home. Then my grandmother passed away in January, and I didn’t get to say goodbye. That was really hard for me. And it still makes me fall apart. Like when I was watching Girls: Why can’t these characters have it easy for a few seconds? Why couldn’t I have gone home and spent one last Thanksgiving with my grandmother? Why can’t this guy just like me? Of course this stupid boy dissing me is much less painful that the unexpected passing of my grandmother, but it all hurts. It all hurts. I’m a Cancer. It all hurts.
I’m trying really hard to integrate the Four Agreements into my life. Right now, I’m working on taking nothing personally. I’ve been working on this for a couple months. It’s extremely difficult. But following in this practice, I have tried to see everything through his point-of-view. And I get it; he was lonely, I was there, I fulfilled his momentary need, he went home, realized that he didn’t want anything serious and he proceeded to push me out. That’s all fine. I get it. But. Be a fucking man for fuck’s sake and tell me you’re not interested. I even gave him an easy exit. I texted him: “One question. Are the dates over? It’s fine, either way, just let me know.”
God, nothing gets me hard like a coward.
Maybe this is something that Unavailable Gay New Yorkers do. A friend of mine said that he had gone a couple of amazing dates with a guy, and then the guy just stopped communicating with him. Maybe this is a thing? Is this something I need to get used to. Because there is no way I can do that.
I’m an intelligent guy; I’m good at taking a step back and seeing the big picture. I understand that someday this moment won’t be so painful. I understand that someday I’ll be grateful for this occurrence. I understand that I didn’t do anything wrong; all I did was open myself up to an assassin in disguise. I understand that vulnerability is necessary and, ultimately, beautiful; I’m just waiting for it to feel beautiful.
I would like to reiterate that this guy isn’t a terrible person; he just isn’t mine.
“I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough.”
~”Only Human” by Christina Perri