45. James Wants to Make You Cream

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I want a 6 pack more than most people want to draw their next breath.

Wait, ok that was a little dramatic. Let me start over:

I would kill 90 endangered whales for a 6 pack.

…There. I think I really hit the nail on the head without using hyperbole. I find it’s really important to be accurate and to never embellish details.

Let me be the most accurate: I want a body that makes dudes cream their panties when they see it. I want men to get a glimpse of my rockin’ bod and I want them to have a cum-splosion in their underoos.

Let us take a photo journey to document my progress from Lanky Twink to… Older Lanky Twink…
(Thankfully I’ve been slutty since the birth of the Facebook so finding shirtless pictures of me wasn’t terribly difficult)

2007. A homemade slutty photoshoot. Oh the joys of being prepubescent.

2007. A homemade slutty photoshoot. Oh the joys of being prepubescent.

2008. Rocky Horror. Standing next to someone with a killer bod... just to REALLY drive the point home.

2008. Rocky Horror. Standing next to someone with a killer bod… Cool.

2009. This summer I earned a nomination for Best Supporting Actor in my breakout role: Greasy Bacon.

2009. This summer I earned a nomination for Best Supporting Actor in my breakout role: Greasy Bacon.

2010. The year I started wearing skanky swimsuits. This is also the year my integrity died.

2010. The year I started wearing skanky swimsuits. This is also the year my integrity died.

2011. A slut is born.

2011. A slut is born.

2012. There's far too much fabric on my underwear. Can we make this smaller?? I want it to floss my ass so deep that it gets plaque out of my teeth.

2012. There’s far too much fabric on my underwear. Can we make this smaller?? I want it to floss my ass so deep that it gets plaque out of my teeth.

2013. We took some steps backwards. I like to call this: The Hungry Years.

2013. We took some steps backwards. I like to call this: The Hungry Years.

And now. DRUMROLL PLEASE….. TODAY:

Today. The left is me not flexing. The right is me flexing.

Today. The left is me not flexing. The right is me flexing.

And I am still NOT satisfied. All jokes aside, I literally did an ab workout while listening to Beyonce’s “Pretty Hurts” and crying. CRYING. Just in case you were wondering, crying makes a workout much harder.  I’m already wheezing from the physical exertion, and then you add me choking on my boogers… not fun. It’s about as fun as sticking your weiner between the box spring and the mattress 😉

But I am not satisfied. I am aware that I’ve come a long way. I am aware that some people would KILL to have the body with which I am dissatisfied. But all I can think is: I WANNA LOOK LIKE THIS:

2014 if only

Note: I AM THE CREEPIEST. My friend showed me this picture today and I found it again and I saved it to my phone like a STALKER. But his body is SICCCCCCCCK.

I would literally do anything to look like that. I don’t know why. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed by the media’s definition of beauty. Maybe I’m destined to always want what I don’t have. Maybe I’m convinced that if I had this body that I would get whatever I wanted; I’d never get cheated on; no one would ever leave me, etc. The craziest thing is that I get SO MAD when I’m treated like a sex object but all I want is to look LIKE A SEX OBJECT. I’m nuts. I’m cuckoo for cocoa varts.

I realize my insanity. But I also know lots of people feel this way: I tell myself, “I’ll be satisfied when I look like this” or “I’ll be nicer to myself when I look like this.” But there will ALWAYS be something that I’m punishing myself for. Always. I’m not buff enough. I’m not flexible enough. I’m not a good enough dancer. I’m not a good enough actor. When my friend showed me this model today, I had to stop myself from crying. That’s how badly I want to look like this.

And you know what the CRAZIEST thing is??? I bet this guy pictured above has body issues, too. That BLOWS my mind. Because I think to myself, ‘Man, if I looked like that I would NEVER feel insecure about my body.’ But I’m sure he aspires to be something else. More muscular, more cut, more toned, tanner, taller, etc.

So what the fuck do I do? Do I keep shaming myself by looking at pictures of models with “better” bodies than mine? Do I keep working out 6 days a week, harder and harder, until I look like this guy up above? Do I torture myself until then?

Or do I come to terms with who/what I am today? Do I just tell myself, “Hey, James, you’re beautiful now, and you need to wake up. Because there is surely someone out there who sees you and tells themselves, ‘Man, if I looked like that, I would never be insecure about my body”? Maybe I just start giving myself credit for the work I’ve done. Maybe I admire the hard work it takes for people to get crazy bodies without discrediting all the hard work I’ve done on myself.

Instead of beating myself up for not being able to do the splits like the other dancers in my show, I should look at this picture and remind myself that 6 years ago I couldn’t touch my freakin’ toes:

Yesterday

Yesterday

Maybe instead of beating myself up for not nailing every tap step in the show, I should remember this: I saw 42nd Street at the Overture Center in Madison when I was in high school, and I couldn’t buffalo to save my life-alo! I watched 42nd Street in AWE thinking, ‘Holy fuck, I wish I could tap dance like that…..’

7 years ago. I WORE JEANS TO TAP CLASS. I mean, REALLY James?

7 years ago. I WORE JEANS TO TAP CLASS. I mean, REALLY James?

AND NOW I’M TAP-DANCING IN 42ND STREET PROFESSIONALLY, GOD DAMNIT.

The Wick Theatre in Boca Raton, FL

The Wick Theatre in Boca Raton, FL

So.

Maybe I’m not the greatest tap dancer.
Maybe I’m not the most flexible person.
Maybe I don’t have the most muscular body.

But I’m working my fucking ass off, and I deserve credit for that.

(I’m talking to you, James. Be nice. Be your own best friend. There are plenty of people out there that are gonna be mean to you. Don’t be one of them; be one of the good guys. Ok?)

#dontgiveup

“Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever’s worse
Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, pretty hurts
Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever’s worse
You’re tryin’ to fix something but you can’t fix what you can’t see
It’s the soul that needs the surgery.”
~”Pretty Hurts” by Beyonce

James.

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3 responses »

  1. You’ve come so far! What accomplishments to be proud of!

    Book recommendation for you: “4-Hour Body” by Timothy Ferris. I’m currently reading it for other reasons, but there are many chapters focused on gaining muscle. It’s not your typical fitness/health book — here’s a better description: http://fourhourbody.com/ It came to mind immediately while reading your post. The WI digital library has the ebook, so that’s how I’m reading it.

    Keep rocking it in 2014 with your hot bod!

  2. James… you are a stunning person.

    Read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hannah-brencher/im-not-gonna-tell-you-you-youre-beautiful_b_4142547.html

    And then remember who in this world it behooves for you to shame yourself. (Hint: it’s never people like you or me). That model has been photoshopped hardcore. There are shapes on his lower body that have nothing to do with his body and much more to do with the Liquify function in CS5. Also, I don’t think he’s hot because he looks hollow as fuck.

    People get hot and heavy because of your energy. They will remember you looking the way you made them feel. Read that twice. It’s true. If you are pumping your heart out to the people around you, exactly the same vibrance that makes you an excellent performer, they will be overcome over and over again with desire – the kind that comes with awe and respect. You are not an image or an idea to be consumed. Beauty is not in the measurements of the body. It is where the soul and the body meet.

    And your career is scary and wonderful and unimaginable to most people. Own that shit. And it will bloom so much more if you keep your intellect ahead of all the stupid shameless body hating crap we get fed everyday.

    We haven’t been close/in touch, but I’m sending love your way anyway.

  3. james,

    First, you don’t need to be so hard on yourself. If a person cheats, it’s their fault, NOT yours. Plus you look pretty fit!

    Second, you don’t even know how exactly similar i’ve felt to this before! see, i’ve always been skinny. at 18, i was weighing in at 137lbs… I’M SIX FOOT FREAKING ONE! so, i joined the army, after 9 gueling weeks of training i was tipping scales at 166, still not as big as i wanted, but i was starting to see some bulk on my frame and for the first time in my life… i had PECS! then i didn’t work out for like almost 3 whole years… and i was back to square one. lol really tho, i’m 26 now, and i’ve been working out regularly for 2 years straight, i’ve gotten my weight up to 174, and i’ve got the guns to prove it! i’ve gotten professional opinions, i’ve tried changing my diet, i’ve tried working with heavy weights, i’ve read countless magazines and online tips. In all my eperience i’ve learned these simple rules:

    1) eat anything and everything that you even THINK might contain protein. protein protein protein, all the time.

    2) work out 3-4 times a week, no more, no less. for your body to recover and build onto itself, you need that recovery time, it’s absolutely ESSENTIAL.

    3) cardio is your enemy… well not really your enemy, but consider this. you’re a dancer yes? say you do an hour on a treadmill, and then just hours later you’re leaping about on stage another hour, this is BAD. If you want your muscles to grow, they need protein and calories, but your body also needs calories to jump and twist and tapdance on stage. and if you don’t eat enough calories, your body will break down protein to make them. in short, too much cardio stalls muscle growth.

    lol well…. thats my rant. you look GREAT by the way, lol i’d date you. i hope i was able to tell you something you didnt already know, i know following those rules helped me gain almost 40lbs of muscle, and i feel better about myself, i hope you feel better about yourself too! keep fighting the good fight!

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