36. James Doesn’t Know How

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There is a huge list of things I can’t do:

1) I can’t put my pussy on the ground whilst attempting the splits.
2) I can’t scratch this middle part of my back. (You’d think with a huge torso I would have equally long and accommodating limbs… but you would be wrong.)
3) I can’t text and speak at the same time. I will usually end up saying what I’m texting or vice versa. Or I’ll end up texting the person I’m talking to.
4) I can’t sleep with any anxious heart. (Fuck you, rabbit heartbeat.)
5) I can’t do pirouettes on my left side. Unless the people around me want to die. And if they do, I would rather not finish them with a deadly left-sided pirouette. No one deserves to go down like that.
6) I can’t easily fall asleep in a dead quiet room. I start listening to my brain squeaking against my skull. Or my heart starts beating really loudly in my ears.
7) I cannot text and drive. No one can. People pretend they’re really good at it. No one is. You just haven’t been in a car accident yet.
8) When tired, I can’t stay awake on a subway. I look like those crazy people who start to go cross-eyed in their feeble attempts to stay awake. I am almost 100% certain there are youtube videos of me acting a fool while trying to keep my sleepy eyes open on the subway.
9) I can’t sleep in a stuffy room.
10) I can’t live in a basement.
11) I can’t love someone halfway.
12) I can’t turn off my feelings.
13) I can’t not feel bad when I hurt someone’s feelings. Even if they’re just super sleepy and irritable, I will still feel bad.
14) I can’t bad talk people all the time.
15) I can’t hang out with negative people.
16) I can’t get drunk on the regular.
17) I can’t reason with my heart.
18) I can’t be rational before being emotional.

Alright, I’m hoping you sense a theme. (A few funny things and then some serious things because then you’re more likely to listen because I softened you up with my dark, weird humor.) You know how some guys say that they were thinking with their dick? As if their dick just took over their brain?? And you wonder, ‘Hm, if only your dick had that sense of power in the bedroom….’ Ok. But. I feel like sometimes my heart just takes over. Like my brain is like, “Hm, Heart, that is not going to make you feel good later. You will hate yourself. I don’t-” AND THEN MY HEART BITCH SLAPS THE FUCK OUT OF MY BRAIN AND SAYS, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DUMB BRAIN. WHAT THE F DO YOU KNOW?!” And then my Heart does what it wants. My Heart is set on this notion of True Love and Happily Ever After and Fairytales while my Brain is set on Probability and Good Enough. But I can’t. I can’t can’t can’t help it. My hope always wins. Hope always triumphs rationality. Always. Sometimes I think, ‘Hm, don’t do that,’ or, ‘What are the chances this will work,’ or, ‘You should really be more wary, James,’ or, ‘Don’t make the same foolish decisions as last time,’ or, ‘Beware,” and Mr. Heart jumps in with, “ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE,” and my heart shoves a Twinkie in the mouth-hole of my brain and it decides to do whatever. Because for some reason, I’m convinced that hope will triumph. I’m convinced that if you want it bad enough and you don’t give up, you’ll get what you want. My brain tells me these things aren’t true. And I have cold, hard proof that it’s not true swinging in front of my face, and I choose to swat it out of the way, cut out my heart and put it where my brain used to reside. (I literally think my brain gave its two weeks notice when I turned 14.)

So. Is it a curse? Or is it a blessing? Some people say, “Never lose that, James,” like maybe it’s an admirable thing. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder: is it admirable or idiotic? Ignoring history and expecting change. Am I hopeful or psychotic?

Please let hope win. Maybe it won’t prevail like I imagine it to, but please let it work out for me. Whoever-Is-Listening, I have dedicated so much of my life to the values of Hope, Optimism, and Perseverance. Please don’t let it all be for naught.

“I could change the world. I could make it better. Kick it up and down. Take a chance on me.”
~”Kick Ass” by MIKA & RedOne

But until then, I’ll be “cool”:

JAMES

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