30. James Teaches Gay Culture: EXPLICIT


Ok. I have been steeping heavily in the theatre community for the past 2.5 months, and I have learned some disturbing thing about ignorance within and surrounding the gay culture. It is very frustrating, but I have chosen to educate with patience instead of getting mad at people for their ignorance. If this comes off as a rant, I am deeply sorry. I sincerely intend for this to be eye-opening and enlightening. I hope you have learned something when you’re done with this.

First. Let me start with humor:

 If you are going to put a D in your B, you need to buy one of these. It’s an enema. Let me be frank: if you’re having sex (ladies and mens), you really don’t wanna poop on the bed. And if you DO, if that’s a fetish of yours, by all means, BYPASS this advice. Crap away. But if you are terrified during anal sex and you can’t stop thinking, “DON’TPOOPDON’TPOOPDON’TPOOP,” never fear: this is your solution. This is how you should use it:

Empty it out. Don’t use the solution in it. You don’t need it. Unless you’re actually constipated. Empty it, and fill it with warm water. You only need to fill it about halfway. I’ve read some things saying that you don’t need that much water. And I’ve also read a lot of things saying it isn’t healthy to use it every day. This is foul, but I read about it drying out the natural mucus that your anus secretes…. WHO’S HUNGRY?!?! ME, TOO!

Ok. So take that turkey baster contraption and put some lube on the tip or something. Otherwise it SHAN’T be pleasant. If you don’t have lube, I think it’ll be ok to use just a little bit of unscented lotion. NO BATH AND BODYWORKS SCENTED SHIT. THAT. WILL. BURNST.

Ok. Then. Um. STICK IT IN. JUST RAM IT IN. I’m totally kidding. Say a prayer to Jesus (he’ll listen in this time of great need), squat over the toiley and slowly slide it in. It helps a little bit if you’re kind of pushing like you’re trying to… shit. (Let’s be honest, the time to be coy has passed by a LONG SHOT.)

Squeeze all the water in. (This should be half a bottle. And it should be warm. But not hot. Just… pleasant.) Now. You should wait a little bit while it’s all inside of you. Maybe wash off the bottle. Disinfect it with some alcohol. Jump up and down and do some cartwheels to make sure all the water is swishing around. …Totally kidding about the last part. But you can read the box that the enema came in! It’s quite fascinating! I DISTINCTLY remember this phrase on the box, because it has been seared forever into the walls of my fucked-up memory: “Wait until the urge to evacuate is strong”. I laughed really hard when I read that, and I evacuated all over the floor. I’m kidding, but I did laugh really hard.

Ok. After you have “evacuated” take a baby wipe (preferably a “Flushable”) and clean yoself up, bitch. Flush. NOW GO PARTY. Some people say you need to do it more than once. But. I think as long as you normally wipe, once will be good enough.

OK. Now that you have puked in your mind or quite literally from your mouth, let’s get down to business:

Sometimes I hear some ignorant questions. But if you are not a gay man or you are an inexperienced gay man, then I can’t really blame you for not knowing the answer/ not knowing that your question is offensive. A good friend of mine recently asked this:

“So, is one of you the boy and one of you the girl?”

I responded calmly, because the question wasn’t meant to be offensive. It was earnest. So here’s my answer:

We are actually both men. I think being gay is all about equality. The cool thing about being in a homosexual relationship is that there are no preconceived gender roles. We’re both dudes. So neither of us is expected to curse and fix cars while the other cooks and cleans and dusts. We just fulfill the needs of the other person. I’m a pretty clean person. I don’t mind washing dishes. I’m not good at cars, but I can sure care for my man when he needs it. When one is sick, the other cares for them. And sex is sex. There are no boys and girls in my sex cuz neither of us has a vagina. (I know; many of you who really know me are shocked that I have no beaver, but I promise I don’t.) Which sort of brings me to my next point:

Top  vs. Bottom
Ok. If you think this is gay terminology that describes who is literally on top and on bottom during sex, you are wrong. This is what it most specifically means:

A top is someone who fucks someone, and a bottom is someone who gets fucked. I know. So vulgar. So. Sososososo vulgar. I apologize. But here’s the problem I have with this:

You are no less masculine if you take a dick in your butt.

For some reason, I’ve met a lot of gay men who are ashamed of their sexuality, especially if they’ve ever bottomed. Listen. A REAL man takes a dick up the butt. You know when people say, “Take it like a man!”? They’re talking about anal sex! I promise. Anal sex isn’t like a walk in the park. Unless during your park strolls you regularly fall violently and unexpectedly on a penis. I’m just kidding. It doesn’t have to be awful. But I’ll be honest with you: if you are a gay man and you refuse to bottom, you need to let go of your shame surrounding being gay. There is nothing shameful about being gay. And even if you don’t bottom, you are still sticking your peepee in a dude’s b-hole, which still makes you gay. There is no degrees of gay. You can’t be “really gay”. People say that. But if you’re gay, you’re gay. And if you’re F-ing a dude, you are JUST as gay as the dude that you are plowing.

Listen, I strongly believe that equality is the prominent theme of homosexuality. We want equal rights. Our relationships are about equality. And in that same vein, in a relationship I don’t think there should be a “top” and a “bottom”. I think it should be about versatility. After you’ve tried both, I think you can have a preference. Absolutely. But. Gays: don’t pigeonhole yourself; Republicans will do that to us enough.

I hope you learned something today. Here’s my most important lesson:

Let go of your shame. Acknowledge it. But let it go. Don’t let it inhibit you. People frequently call me “extremely gay”. But I don’t care. I just wanna be me without worrying about what people think of me. I have a Lady Gaga belly shirt. Perhaps I’m challenging people to call me out on it. But YES. I AM GAY. GAY GAY GAY. And I don’t wanna be ashamed. So don’t make me feel ashamed. I know that “no one can make you feel anything without your permission”. Yeah ok booshit. Admire me for my courage to tell the story of myself with my whole heart; don’t chastise me because of your own shame. Just stop caring what people think. And do what you want. You’re not gonna live forever. I know few things but I know that for certain. And I don’t have time in this life to live my life within the confines created by someone else’s ignorance. I wanna wear a bright pink. I want to wear girl’s clothes cuz they’re bolder. I wanna wear a huge peace bangly necklace. I wanna wear my Lady Gaga belly shirt. I wanna wear my skanky underwear. And I REALLY wanna wear my “Likes Boys” tshirt.

I don’t wanna hide.

I refuse to hide anymore. If I don’t fit in this world then so be it, but I will no longer change myself to fit a world in desperate need of a change.

This is not a compromise I am willing to make.

“Sometimes the only way is jumping. I hope you’re not afraid of heights.”
~”Meaning” by Gavin Degraw



19 responses »

  1. Ha you are so amazing!!! I’ve been reading your blog for a while and i love it!!! We should totes talk sometime :D!

  2. Gays should be proud and shouldn’t have to hide everyone has rights. Being gay doesn’t make anyone less human. I want to thank you for adding your voice proudly to the gay population.
    Love ya

  3. You are truly an amazing person, and thanks for sharing about the butt douche. 🙂 I think I had searched “normal anal douche”, this stuck out. Fun times. I didn’t really know this was a thing people actually do. Naive, especially considering how much d has been up my b. Lol, thanks again

  4. I love you already…..since my divorce I’m breaking out of this shell I built myself and trying new things so thanks for the advice and humor along with it!

  5. I’m obviously not a gay man haha I’m a straight woman wanting to really enjoy anal sex and I just wanted to say your frank and hilarious instructions on the art of ‘douching’ really helped 🙂 you don’t find many websites/blogs that will be that honest and I love ya for it so thankyou!! 🙂

  6. Just FYI;
    Some dudes who likes to fuck other dudes are in fact not gay or even bi-curious.
    These guys just have a problem with their self image and needs this as a manifestation of their dominance.

    It’s sad and destructive and has really nothing to do with sexual preference.

    There is no shame for them to get over so they can start receiving anal sex, they are driven by an unhealthy hunger for “power”

    While we are on the topic of homo/hetero anal I also want to remind you all that liking anal sex does not define your sexuality. One can be both a giver or a receiver of it while perfectly healthy in your homo-, bi- or hetero-sexuality.


  7. Pingback: 7. II. The Month of Scribble Scrabbles | This Is Giving Up

  8. Think you’re just butt hurt. So guy sex is so natural, I mean the ass lubricates itself right? It’s not like douching ruins the gi’s natural microbiome, or anal sex is inherently risky?

  9. Pingback: 67. James Hurts Like a M#th@f*ck3r! | James Follows His Dreams

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