24. James Believes In Grand Romance


I watch too many movies.

Tonight I watched this:

A couple of days ago I watched this:

A couple of days before that, I watched this:

Ahem. You sense a pattern, no?

I LOVE love stories. Despite the quality. If it’s a love story, I will probably love it and squeal quietly to myself. So perhaps I should edit my first statement: I don’t watch too many movies; I watch too many romantic movies. So many in  fact that I base a lot of my life on the movies. Once, my little sister/gay brother “Emma” (as we shall call her) told me, “You have too high of standards.” Well. Yes. Perhaps I do. But is that a bad thing? I know way too much to expect anything less than the moon. Everyone tells me: “Never settle”. Well, OK. But I have dreams that are bigger than I am. And because of these movies, I believe in grand romance. The grandest of romances, to be exact. Well, to be most exact:

I believe in being crazy about each other forever. I know that “the honeymoon phase ends”. But I believe that it doesn’t have to.

I believe in the ability to stay faithful to one person forever.

I believe in a sexual connection that lasts forever. Even when both people are wearing diapers. Well, ESPECIALLY when both people are wearing diapers (and not for a costume party).

I believe in Someone understanding me, even when I’m puzzling as Central Park. I believe Someone will know I mean “yes” when I say “no”, but they’ll also know that I’m saying “yes” because I love them enough to sacrifice my wants for theirs.

I believe in Someone making sacrifices for me that match the size of my sacrifices for them.

I believe in Someone loving me even when I feel like death and I look like this:

I’m not sure if you can see them but my triplets: pimple, Pimple and PIMPLE are all making cameos in this picture.

I believe that Someone will hold my hand as I walk down the street. Or be my date to a wedding, and slow-dance with me. In front of other people. Or kiss me on the cheek on the subway. Or on the eyelid. I believe Someone  will give me a piggyback ride when I can’t walk anymore.

I believe in Someone taking care of me when I’m sick, even when I insist that they don’t.

I believe in Someone wanting to take care of me, no matter how hard I push.

I believe in coming home to Someone, taking off all my masks: (Actor James, Kind-to-Stranger James, Making-New-Friends James, Catering James, etc.) and just being James. No masks.

I believe in forever.

I believe that Someone will propose to me in an unforgettable way. And I believe that that moment will shake me to my core.

I believe that Someone will not get sick of me. And they will say, “I will love you forever,” but they’ll mean it. I mean, really mean it.

I believe that Someone will never take my presence for granted.

I believe that Someone will tell me everyday that I am beautiful. Even if I don’t need to hear it. Even when I do need to hear it.

I believe that Someone will be able to make me laugh, despite my efforts to “be cool”.

I believe that someday (if I must), distance will work for me. I believe that distance can make the heart grow fonder.

I believe that Someone will be able to help me heal. I know you’re broken; so am I.

I believe that Someone will make me dinner over candlelight.

I believe that Someone will ride the subway with me and take care of me when I succumb to my inevitable narcolepsy.

I believe that Someone will drive me around in the car aimlessly through the countryside with the windows down. And play with my hair.

I believe that Someone will take care of me for a day without any ulterior motive. Maybe longer than a day.

I believe in Someone who knows when honesty is appropriate and know when to lie to me.

I believe that someday I will have Someone to whom I can give All My Songs That I Don’t Give To Anyone.

I believe that I will someday have a beautiful family of my own. And that me and my Someone will teach these kids how to be awesome and how to perfectly punctuate a sentence with profanity. And how to not wear too much jewelry. And how to never leave the house in sweatpants. And how to handle a fight with a feisty Laundromat Wench. And how to have an incomparable sense of humor.  And how to love with your whole heart, even when you’re terrified.

So, yes. I have very high standards. And maybe someday I will get it all. Maybe I won’t. But Baby’s gonna dream. And I’m gonna keep watching movies. And I’m dreaming with my whole heart, baby, that someday I will have these beautiful moments to look back on when I’m crapping in a diaper against my own will.

Til then, I’ll dream and pray. And stay authentic. Be myself. Cuz if someone doesn’t love me for all of me, then they ain’t the Someone.

Have I met you yet? I don’t know. I don’t know much though. Except this. This blog. I know this to be true.

“Turn off the car, breathe the air. Let’s stay here.

I’ll kiss you awake, and we’ll have time to know all our neighbors by name, and every star at night. We’ll weave our days together like waves and particles of light.

I want only this.”

~”Simple Life” by The Weepies.



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