23. James Fights Dead People

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So. My previous blog project was entitled “Project Happiness 365”. I started it cuz I had just gone through a breakup and I was super depressed, and I was sick of being sad all the time. So I started taking a picture of something that made me happy. I did that every day for a year. It changed my life. (In case you wanna read it: Here)

People handle breakups in all different ways. I handled mine in a very proactive manner. I decided that instead of waiting for my depression to go away, I would battle it head on. I decided not to let my emotions make a fool of me. But in the process I had to bury a lot of shit.

Honesty time:

As my relationship disintegrated, I did everything I could to salvage it. I would try to remind Mr. ________ of all the good times we had together. I told really specific stories to try to jog his memory. (I don’t believe in long-distance relationships, because I think that the longer you’re away, you start to forget how awesome the other person is. And you forget about how awesome you were together. And who the F wants to be with the person who’s Not There when they could be with the person who is There. I mean that will all bitterness aside. A relationship is about intimacy and what’s intimate about distance??) So. I told really, really specific stories:

Me: Remember that one time when ___________________?
Mr. ________: No.
Me: Remember when _________________________?
Mr. ________: No.

Well. That became too painful. Because it seemed as if I remembered everything and as if he remembered nothing. And I didn’t want to be in that position. I didn’t want to be stuck with all the memories. Cuz I couldn’t sleep, cuz my conscience was a bitchwhore and it decided to flash all these beautiful memories while I tried to sleep. Smells like…. torture. Twas. Twas torturous. So I decided to forget. So I pushed a lot of it out of my head. I buried it all. To me: if I wasn’t important enough to remember, then I would forget it all, too.

So I did. Cuz I couldn’t deal with it at the time.

But now it’s coming back. Cuz I’m ready to deal with it all. And it’s coming back because I’m having flashbacks. And it’s hard. But it’s also   nice. Cuz they’re not all memories that I want to throw away. Do I have hope/desire to be reunited with Mr. ___________? No. But I WOULD like to add the memories to my golden box. So yes, they hurt like fuck to remember. And I know that Dr. Seuss said that you shouldn’t cry cuz it’s over but smile because it happened. Well the death of something good just hurts too much, Dr. Seuss. I’m not particularly sad about THAT death of a relationship; I’m just terrified of super good relationships with other people crumbling to pieces out of the blue. “Out of the blue”.

So. As I embark on a Whatever with a new Trick, me is scared. Me is very scared. And apparently the only way I can deal with it is talking like a two year-old. Ah fuck, Ava is older than two and she’s STILL indecipherable. I can only understand her when she says my name. Which is… nice. To say the least.

James.

James is scared.

I’m scared. Relationships are scary. And whatever the F I’m in is scary. Cuz there’s no going backwards. It only goes forward, up the staircase. And I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be scared. Life is scary. But you don’t stop living today just because yesterday was scary. Today was hot. Tomorrow will be cold. Tomorrow will not be like today, but it will be similar. And it’s ok to see the similarities of Yesterday’s Visage in the Face of Today. But they’re not the same. Similar is not The Same. And yes, Affection looks similar Today as it did Yesterday. And while you should learn from history, you shouldn’t be inhibited by it. Otherwise, you would never fly on planes and you would never let another boy make you smile.

But listen Winners, I’ve been through the worst of what Love can throw at me. I have visited the depths of my depression. And I know how to handle it. I can handle this.

And Today is much, much different that Yesterday. Today makes me laugh every day. And when I’m mad but I say I’m not mad on the phone, Today still knows I’m mad.  Today sees through my bullshit. And I can be real with Today. I tell Today how I feel, even when it makes my stomach hurt to confront my feelings. Because if there’s one thing I learned from Yesterday, it’s that I need to say how I feel because it matters. Burying my feelings for the sake of someone else, that’s not good. Cuz I’m worth more than that. I always told myself that I would say how I felt when it really mattered; I told myself, “Choose your battles, James.” Well, I’m worth fighting for.

While there are so many painful Yesterdays, I have so much hope for Today. Thank God for Today.

THE WORLD ONLY SPINS FORWARD. (Thank you, Tony Kushner)

DON’T GIVE UP. Yesterday may have owned you, but you own Today.

JAMES.

(Yes, blogging about you is scary cuz it’s hard evidence that you are real.)

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