21. James Flashes His Beaver


I have learned that a flashy title is what really catches a reader’s attention. But, really, I flashed my beaver.

I had a callback for this the other day:

Listen. I’ll do what it takes to get the job. So they warned me before the callback that I would have to get naked. No problem. I got naked when we did Hair and I did nude modeling at school. Not a problem.

Well, one problem. Well not a problem really, just a question.


(Family: skip this paragraph. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH) My manager is this really sweet woman, and I didn’t really know how to ask her, “Um, Shelly, what should I do about my bush?” So I decided to be tasteful without looking like a prepubescent 12 year-old… which I guess is a really popular thing for dudes to do??? But I’m learning, that more straight dudes shave their entire beaver than gay dudes. WEIRD, RIGHT?! So. Tasteful.

Ok, Family, you can read now. So. I had been doing the P90X Ab Ripper Oh-My-God-I’m-Either-Going-To-Shit-Or-Have-A-Six-Pack Workout. It’s really good. Super effective. Nothing makes me want to die more. That’s how you know it’s working. So, if you have never done the workout, many of the exercises require you to balance on your tailbone and doing various things. Well, these “various things” make your tailbone rub and rub and RUB on the fucking ground.  So eventually you burn a hole through your ass and you can literally see your tailbone poking through the skin. (Perhaps I exaggerate. I’M THEATRICAL, BISHES!) But really, I get a really nasty abrasion on my ass-bone every time I do this exercise. Well, I wasn’t about to STOP working out when I needed to get naked at a callback. F that, I started working out MORE and eating carrots and apples. I went to college?

Well, you can imagine that I had a situation. The abrasion was healing, but it was pretty dark. In brief, it looked like I had a shit stain on my upper crack. THIS WILL NOT DO. Who wants to cast a guy who looks like he can’t even wipe his a-hole?! So, I spent an hour bent over in front of a mirror applying concealer to my ass-crack. I WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES, HOOKERS!

So I was ready. I had concealer EVERYWHERE (I got carried away…. and then I got SUPER depressed about how good I looked with make-up on… but then I ate and I felt better). I was ready. I just decided that when I got naked, I wouldn’t turn around, just in case the stage lights revealed my fake skidmark.

This callback went well. I sang well. I was a freak, como siempre. And they said that my good friend-whore Drew Hollenbeck had told them good things about me. THANK YOU SO MUCH DREW!!! It was super super awesome.

So then they told me to take my clothes off and then sing one of the songs. “Ok!”

Ask me what I did right after I took off my clothes.


James, I thought we had an agreement: don’t show them your asscrack. Oh, you silly, silly whore. But they didn’t gasp or puke (audibly) so it appears my master skills of concealment were a success!!! So I sang again, and it went well. We’ll see, bitches!

In other news:

Kaylee bought me new socks. And I have now constructed a Happy Outfit. When I come home and I need a pick-me-up, I put on this outfit and dance around the apartment. It’s really effective. And when I say “apartment”, I mean “the closet that resembles an apartment.”

LOCATE THE AWESOME PART OF THIS OUTFIT. So last night I cooked a super awesome meal in this outfit:

Rachel Ray taught me! It’s called Sloppy Joe Chicken Pizza! SO GOOD. The base is cornbread with actual chunks of corn kernels in it. And then I sautéed ground-up chicken with onions, garlic and red peppers. Then I added tomato sauce, ground cumin, chili powder, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce and brown sugar. Then I topped it with cheddar cheese, scallions and parsley. I MADE SOMETHING SUPER YUMMY. Then I shared it with Kaylee. And she had brought me home a Cookies-and-Cream Hershey’s bar. YUM.TOWN. So we sat here being fat kids. Amazing.

NOW FOR A BUNCH OF RANDOMNESS. Who doesn’t love that!?!

I worked an event for Armani the other day and I got to wear ARMANI. And then I died:

I attended the world premiere of Safe House thanks to Billy. I brought Katie and Kaylee. And we sat in the same theatre as Denzel, Ryan Reynolds and Vera Farmiga. This is not intended as bragging. THIS IS WHY YOU SAY YES TO EVERYTHING (except drugs):

I had Valentine’s Day. (Prepare to vomit):

I went for a walk on the upper west side and found this:

….sure. I made a purchase to inspire me:

This is hanging on the wall by my bed to remind me not to give up. I’M SO CLOSE.

And then, my super awesome friends:

So. Just to get serious for a hot second. My friends are my saviors. They make me so happy. (Which I will delve into deeper in a second.) But I love them. And I need them. I am one of those people who needs people around. I grew up in a house of six. I have shared a room for almost half of my life. But I don’t care. I love the closeness. Who needs privacy?? My house has always been loud. My senior year, I lived in a house of 6 at college. IT WAS THE GREATEST! When I’m not with my loud family, I’m with my loud friends. And then my big sister had two kids. So. It’s.ALWAYS.loud. But I don’t mind. I can sleep through anything. Kaylee stays up later than I, and I always tell her she can turn off the light whenever. She’ll usually turn it off a few minutes after I climb into bed… but it doesn’t matter, cuz I’ve already passed out. Sometimes, when she hasn’t gotten home yet but I want to go to bed, I will fall asleep with the lights on so she doesn’t have to tiptoe around in the dark. In short, I love having someone there and I would do anything to have someone there. Yes, I have been accused (by myself) of being a chronic dater. But I broke that motha-fuckin’ spell when I was single for the past 14 months, HOLLA AT YO HOE!!! I worked on being alone. “Alone”. Whatever. But here’s the thing: Ok, I was having a conversation with a very dear friend (and if you read this, please don’t take offense; I’m just addressing the topic). And I was talking about how I was lonely, cuz I had been home alone for like, an hour. Yes, I was being silly. But my friend said, “Well, maybe you should work on being alone.” Yes, I get depressed when I’m alone for too long. Whenever I talk to my mom and I’m feeling depressed, she asks “Have you been hanging out with your friends lately?” And I’ll usually say, “…..no.” Being with people I love makes me happy. BUT. BUT BUT BUT. When you’re talking to someone who says, “I need my alone time,” …no one questions that. People are like, “Oh… ok”, and then they turn around and run away, screaming silently. It’s perfectly ok to “need your alone time” but it’s like  you’re broken if you like having people around. If you need people around to make you happy, everyone says, “You need to toughen up.” But maybe everyone else needs to lighten up. Yes, I can make myself happy on my own, but if I can have help from people who are more than willing, why shouldn’t I?

Just a thought. 🙂 No hard feelings.

I don’t need to be fixed. I am more than fine the way I am. 🙂

So. Speaking of friends, I was having a 3-way skype conversation with Stacy and Edward last night when, all of a sudden, MID-CONVERSATION, Edward says, “I’m gonna put my whole big toe in my mouth.”

Which led to….


My friends are my hobby.

My BLOG is my hobby.

Laughing is my hobby.

Making you laugh is my hobby.


Which leads me to:

I am so lucky.



2 responses »

  1. Don’t know how I’ve been missing out for so long on this fantastic blog! 🙂 Happy adventuring, James! I hope you rock the fuck out while achieving your dreams.

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