18. James Wants What He Can’t Have: Merry Christmas


From The Memoirs of a Beautiful Boy by Robert Leleux:

“You know, Robert… I’d think you’d find it reassuring that the man who loves you doesn’t happen to believe there’s anything particularly deep about suffering… Happy people can be just as deep as depressives, you know… I’d think you’d appreciate the fact that I believe in being happy.”

Someone tried to teach me this lesson once. I didn’t get it until now.

Although I’m still bitter. This book is this memoir of this guy’s life. And parts of his life sucked and parts of it were awesome. For example: he has a pretty rough relationship with his parents, especially his dad. But he has this AMAZING relationship with his boyfriend. And he talks about how beautiful his boyfriend is, and he narrates the sweet things his boyfriend says to him. And he still groans about his life. And while I’m reading it, all I can think is, ‘You have an amazing boyfriend! You have someone to come home to at the end of the night! Stop your stupid whining!!” But then again, you may say to me, “You have an amazing family! You have two parents who love and support you! And you have three sisters who will always love you! Stop your stupid whining!!!”

So. Perhaps we’ll never have everything we want: perfect family, perfect boyfriend, perfect job, perfect apartment. Maybe we’ll have 3 out of the 4, and we’ll spend our whole lives bitching about wanting the last thing. And maybe some people have it all, but they still find something to bitch about.

Maybe I’ll always want what I don’t have: a functioning cell phone, a better computer, a steady job, an external hard drive, food stamp money, money for dance class, money for voice lessons, a boyfriend. The perfect boyfriend. Or. Any boyfriend for that matter. Not that I want one. And not that I could have one even if I wanted one.

Blah. Point being: someone would kill to be me. I’ve been working on my body since I moved here. I call it my “Broadway Body” or “B’way Body” for short. But today, I took a picture of my abs:

ImageAnd I know that people will give me a hard time for posting a picture of myself shirtless but I’m trying to make a point. On a side note, I promised myself a Bway Body by Xmas. It’s not yet up to my standards, but I still have a week. But. THE POINT. Is. This: Let’s be honest for a second. I have a high metrabolism (sic- see Legally Blonde the movie). I work out like a motherfucker. And it’s finally starting to pay off. BUT. I still want more.

Some people would kill to be skinnier. Some people would kill to have a boyfriend to snuggle with at night. And some people will want to strangle you silly for not opening your fucking eyes to appreciate what you are lucky enough to have.

My phone doesn’t work. Ok.
My computer will die in the near future. Ok.
My food stamp money hasn’t come in yet; it’s 2 weeks late and counting. Ok.
I can’t afford shopping, eating out, dance class, acting class or voice lessons. Ok.
I don’t have a steady job. Ok.

I don’t have a boyfriend.


But I made a goal to get more fit, and I’m accomplishing it.

I am reading Respect for Acting by Uta Hagen, and I’m working on my acting skills on my own.

I stretch for my splits every day.

Because my phone doesn’t work, I look at the sky more. And I look at people around me. And I read more books.


And I don’t have a boyfriend.

“Someday you will be treated exactly how you deserve and we will all be jealous of how much love you get.”

“If anyone deserves someone incredible, it is SO you. Oh my gosh. You deserve so much.”

“Whenever you’re lonely, just remember how far you’ve come.”


Til then, while I’m awake, I’ll be grateful for what I do have: beautiful friends who believe in me. And while I sleep, I’ll pray I have no torturous dreams about getting married… or rocking out the splits.

Oh, and I forgot one more thing that I have:


“Oh, tonight you arrested my mind when you came to my defense with a knife in the shape of your mouth, in the form of your body, with the wrath of a God. Oh, you stood by me. And I’ll stand by my belief.”
~”Belief” by Gavin Degraw (the stripped version is really worth listening to)


(Someone would kill to be you.)


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